I needed to start putting stuff on here eventually, so I guess this just has to be how it starts. Tell me I’m wrong, tell me you hate my choices. It’s alright. I change my mind every twenty minutes anyways (I’m already wondering if The Ballad of Dorothy Parker should have made it). Show it to your friend who likes Prince and listen to him tell you what an idiot I am. As long as afterwards you listen to some Prince, we’re cool. Anyways, without further ado..
MATT LAMENT’S TOP THIRTY PRINCE SONGS OF ALL-TIME…
30. Head (from Dirty Mind ,1980): Everybody loves a song that tells a story. Especially a story about a virgin bride on her way to be married who gets bumps into some dude, goes down on him, and marries him instead. And it all ends happily ever after with him going down on her morning, noon, and night. Who says true love isn’t real?
29. Erotic City (b-side to Let’s Go Crazy, 1984): Prince logic…If we cannot make babies, maybe we can make some time. Time to go to Erotic City, that is. Where you fuck until the dawn. Or funk, depending on who you ask. Maybe I should try this as a pick up line someday.
28. Do Me, Baby (from Controversy, 1981): When I was in high school I knew this kid who wasn’t very versed in music from before he was a teenager. He was making up for it by listening to the old school R&B station every night. Anyways, apparently this came on one night while he was laying in bed. He thought it was a chick, and he got so turned on that he felt the urge to up and masturbate to the song. When he finished and the song ended, the DJ ID’d the song as Prince. As embarrassed as he was, he obviously wasn’t too embarrassed to tell all of us. None of us teased him about it either. We all thought it was kinda awesome.
27. My Name is Prince (from O(+>, 1992): Oddly enough, within two years his name was no longer Prince. But he was still funky. The intro to this song, with the weird apocalyptically layered vocals and the sound collage featuring bits of his early hits may just be the best part of this song.
26. The Cross (Sign “O” the Times, 1987): When I first heard the Sign “O” the Times album I thought this was the best Prince song ever. It actually isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful.
25. Wherever U Go, Whatever U Do (from Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic, 1999): I really don’t like this album (my brother loves it), but this is a great song. If you’re watching someone walk out of your life, and “Don’t Look Back in Anger” just strikes you as way too over the top, this is the song you’re looking for. It’ll make your heart weep slow, rolling tears. Sweet guitar fills too.
24. Another Lonely Christmas (b-side to I Would Die 4 U, 1984): Best Christmas song ever. Even if it’s the saddest one too.
23. I Wanna Be Your Lover (from Prince, 1979): I probably played this video every single night that I DJ’d Grits and Gravy at I-Bar. And I don’t think anyone ever requested it. I just wanted to hear it every single week cause it’s that funky.
22. She’s Always in My Hair (b-side to Raspberry Beret, 1985): Remember that time you went clothes shopping with your friend who had put on fifty pounds since her break up, but she kept trying on clothes that were her old size? This song is tighter than that “sexy” halter top she tried on (the one where she asked you if it looked good and you had to pretend your phone was ringing so you could go outside and avoid answering). And then some.
21. Gett Off (from Diamonds and Pearls, 1991): I used to work with this guy at Sam Goody that we had to make sure wasn’t around when we’d play this album on store stereo because whenever he heard this song he’d start talking about how whenever he heard this song it made him “just want to fuck. Fuck anything, really.” And then he’d prove it by spending the rest of his shift telling us how badly he wanted to fuck every single female (and some males) that came into the store. And trust me, we had some gross clientele.
20. Pope (from The Hits/B-Sides, 1993): You don’t understand. Prince ain’t scared of you motherfuckers. Also, when he sings “then you find out I’m the reason Sally’s on the pill”? Outstanding. Shakespeare never wrote anything that awesome. We should learn about Prince in school.
19. Let’s Go Crazy (from Purple Rain, 1984): If you don’t think the intro to this song is still one of the coolest things ever then, pardon my language, but go fuck yourself. We’re all excited, but we don’t know why. Prince’s first theory? IT’S BECAUSE WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Hey, if that’s what he says it is, then that’s probably what it is. This is the guy who just one verse earlier called his mom on the phone, only to hear her getting busy. His reaction? GO CRAZY. GET NUTS. LOOK FOR THE PURPLE BANANA BEFORE THEY PUT HIM IN THE TRUCK. He must know something we don’t. My friends and I played this at our high school talent show back in the day. I would imagine that if you asked my brother, he would still tell you that was the coolest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. He would probably be right too.
18. Anotherloverholenyohead (from Parade, 1986): You would never think a song with a title that ridiculous could possibly be this good. You would, of course, be wrong. When Prince decides he wants to rock, he takes it pretty seriously.
17. Thunder (from Diamonds and Pearls, 1991): Most of the time it’s weird when people sing about doing it and religion in the same song, but when the hook is this tight, who really cares? God this hook is sick…
16. I Wish U Heaven (from Lovesexy, 1989): Prince actually doesn’t say much in this song (there are about five lines that aren’t “I wish you heaven,” and most of those are nonsense), yet somehow you know exactly what he’s on about because the music is that ridiculously perfect.
15. Last December (from The Rainbow Children, 2001): If you’re one of those people who think Prince didn’t do anything great after 1995, you need to listen to this song. His guitar playing on this song is possibly the most expressive of his career. Put it on when you’re feeling reflective…
14. Nothing Compares 2 U (from The Hits/B-Sides, 1993): If you’ve ever REALLY had a broken heart, then there really isn’t anything to expand upon here. The coda, where he sings “All the flowers that you planted, Sugar, in the backyard…they all died when you went away…” will make you cry purple tears. Also, if you’ve only heard this and the Sinead O’Connor version, go listen to the version by The Family (the band Prince wrote it for). Very different, kinda creepy, but still awesome.
13. 7 (from O(+>, 1992): I have no idea what any of the lyrics in this song really mean. All I know is that second it comes on, I am determined to join Prince in smoking anyone who stands in the way of love. I don’t know who all seven are, but if Prince says they’re going to, then one day they will all most certainly die. DO YOU HEAR THAT? IF YOU ARE STANDING IN THE WAY OF LOVE, YOU BEST BACK THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE PRINCE AND I SMOKE YOU.
12. P Control (from The Gold Experience, 1995): Sometimes I think the most impressive thing about this song is that the hook is “pussy control” repeated over and over again, and yet it’s a song about women empowering themselves. Only Prince would meet a “girl named Pussy.” Then again, I suppose anything is possible when you’re hanging out at the “Club International Balls.” I once knew a kid who made us drive to his house during lunch one day because he left this album at home and he didn’t think he could get through the day without hearing this song. We listened to it the whole way back to school.
11. Gold (from The Gold Experience, 1995): Remember when all of the sudden Prince’s name wasn’t Prince and he had “SLAVE” written on his face? And then remember how you saw this video and all of the sudden that seemed irrelevant because all you knew was that anyone who could write songs like this could call himself whatever he wanted and write whatever he wanted on his face as long as he kept it up? Even at a time when we had some pretty weird popstars, Prince still seemed more out there than them all.
10. Pop Life (from Around the World in a Day, 1986): If four white boys with floppy haircuts from England wrote this song twenty-five years ago, that annoying kid with the cardigan who never shuts up about how 500 Days of Summer/High Fidelity/Say Anything/some Michael Cera movie is TOTALLY ABOUT HIS LIFE would put this on every mix tape he ever made for a girl who had the misfortune of being the object of his affections.
9. Partyup (from Dirty Mind, 1980): Prince gets disgustingly funky and informs you that “Fightin’ war is such a fuckin’ bore.” Anyone who knew this song shouldn’t have been surprised a few years later when Prince casually informed everybody that he had every intention of partying like it was 1999. Last October I was in a club where the DJ put this on for a packed dance floor, and when it got to the part at the end where everybody is clapping and yelling “You’re gonna have to fight your own damn war, cause we don’t wanna fight no more” it was startling how exciting and relevant this slice of protest funk sounded thirty years after it’s release. Fuck. Just go buy the Dirty Mind album and listen to it on repeat forever. There are much worse way to spend your life. Trust me, I would know.
8. Purple Rain (from Purple Rain, 1984): This song will outlive all of us. As it should. Even when he gets all “worldly” in the third verse, it still feels sincere. Someone somewhere is gonna read this and say “whatever, that’s my mom’s favorite song” or something like that. Y’know what? If you’re that person, then odds are your mom is way fucking cooler than you.
7. I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man (from Sign “O” the Times): “I may be qualified for a one night stand, but I could never take the place of your man.” Oh Prince, when you say it like that it sounds so noble!
6. When You Were Mine (from Dirty Mind, 1980): An excerpt from Greil Marcus’ fantastic In the Fascist Bathroom:
“Fronting a band of three blacks and two Jews from Minneapolis, Prince stormed into town on the heels of last year’s breakthrough Dirty Mind, was greeted by the most excited and diverse crowd (black and white, punk and funk, straight and gay, young and old, rich and poor) I’ve been part of in a long time, and sent everyone home awestruck and drained: “That was the history of rock ‘n’ roll in one song!” a friend shouted before the last notes of “When You Were Mine” were out of the air. All barriers of music, sex, and race were seemingly trashed by Prince’s performance…”
The lesson here? Whatever you think is happening and cool right now, Prince did it better over thirty years ago. Seriously, go watch a video of him in 1980 playing this live wearing nothing but a purple trench coat and underwear (if you’re lucky you’ll find one of him doing it while opening for the Stones and being pelted with bottles and taunts of “faggot”). Nothing that is going on in pop music right now will seem even remotely cool, exciting, sexy, or edgy in comparison. Lenny Kravitz has been trying to rewrite this song for his entire career, and y’know what? I don’t blame him one bit. Also, this song was on when I lost my virginity (making this song the only redeeming part about losing my virginity).
5. Adore (from Sign “O” the Times, 1987): “If God one day struck me blind, your beauty I’d still see.” Umm…damn. When I was working at Sam Goody in the late 90’s I was playing this album in the store one day when a family of three came in. Immediately the mother got all giddy, violently grabbed her husband and shrieked “THEY’RE PLAYING ADORE!” before descending into some kind of vaguely sexual daze. Where I come from that’s what is known as “a perfectly rational and acceptable response to unexpectedly hearing Adore.”
4. Anna Stesia (from Lovesexy, 1989): A paranoid piano drives this track as Prince changes his mind every thirty seconds as to how to best capture how badly he needs this girl. There’s schinzophrenic piano licks, hushed spoken vocals, blazing guitar fills, synthesizer blips, classic Prince shrieks, and a chorus singing about girls, boys, God, and love. Really just about everything that makes Prince so fucking great is somewhere in the song.
3. Controversy (from Controversy, 1981): When I DJ’d at Grits & Gravy I was really strict about not playing anything from the eighties. That being said, I repeatedly made an exception for this song when last call would roll around and there wasn’t enough Sly left to take the funk to the next level. Only problem was…what the hell do you play after a song this unique and in your face? Everything else sounded like a turd compared to it (luckily at that point everyone was drunk and just wanted to hear Bohemian Rhapsody anyways). Listen to the eight minute album version of this track and you will never look at Madonna or Lady Gaga the same way ever again.
2. 17 Days (b-side to When Doves Cry, 1984): I just love this song so fucking much. I kinda don’t know why. Maybe it’s the frenetic drumbeat. Maybe it’s the really simple synth melody that comes in and out and sits on top of it. Maybe it’s the strange exactness of “all I’ve got is two cigarettes and this broken heart of mine.” Maybe it’s because I can relate way too much to the lines “I called you yesterday…you didn’t answer your phone; The main drag is knowing that you probably weren’t alone.” As someone who has spent many a night trying to dance his way through a broken heart, this is nothing short of an anthem or survival for me. Let the rain come down, indeed.
1. The Beautiful Ones (from Purple Rain, 1984): For three and a half minutes this song is a beautiful, playful, almost lilting number. Prince weaves a sweet melody around a hypnotic piano motif as he gently pleads to his lover. When he sings to her “if we got married…would that be cool?” you have to smirk. Even in the movie, Apollonia looks on with a smile, clearly flattered at being the subject of this song, not to mention the object of dueling affections. It’s almost cute. For three and half minutes. And then…holy shit, Prince just turned on a dime and demanded that chick make a decision. “Do you want him? Or do you want me? Cause I want you.” Damn. He’s really worked up. “Yes I do.” Holy shit, I think he means it. His eyes are fixed on her like nothing you’ve ever seen before. HE NEEDS TO KNOW, DO YOU WANT HIM? TELL HIM. DAMMIT WOMAN…HOLY SHIT. HE’S GETTING MORE WORKED UP. BABY BABY BABY LISTEN TO HIM. AND NOW HE IS STARING HER DOWN WITH BUG EYES, LICKING HIS FINGERS AND RUBBING THEM ON HIS EXPOSED CHEST, WHILE SOMEHOW GETTING EVEN MORE WORKED UP. THAT LITTLE PURPLE MAN IS GOING TO EXPLODE. HE IS DOWN ON HIS KNEES. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE WOMAN, HE WANTS TO PLEASE YOU. HE IS ON HIS BACK, SCREAMING LIKE WHAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS SOME SORT OF SEXUALLY ABUSED ANGEL. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? AND HOW THE FUCK DOES HE LOOK SO AWESOME DOING ALL OF THIS?
And just like that, everything that ever happened in the history of the world leading up to these last ninety seconds is justified, because you live in a world where this song exists. Seriously. I once saw Ed Tivador get worked into such a sexual frenzy during the last two minutes of this song that he uncontrollably whipped out his dick in a room full of seventeen year old guys, started writhing on the ground, and NO ONE THOUGHT ANYTHING OF IT (party because Ed’s dick was out all of the time) BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU HEAR IT, THIS SONG IS ALWAYS THAT FUCKING AWESOME.
That is all. Hope you enjoyed it. Maybe you found a song you’d never heard of that you need to check out. Maybe an anecdote or comment made you chuckle. Let me know what you thought. Unfortunately for you, there are probably more very similar lists to come in the new future. Party up, kids.
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